2019
11.03

There was less pain today, thankfully, but I’m still very exhausted. I tried to tidy a bit earlier today, but I keep finding things that… I don’t know how to describe it? They are emotional things, I think, but the thing is that I feel disconnected from the actual emotion bit of them. For a moment I just feel myself smiling, either with bitterness or wistfulness, but then it passes and I don’t seem to really connect.

I have been like this before when I’m stressed and exhausted enough, so I don’t think I’m broken. I can’t even say it’s unpleasant: per definition it can’t be unpleasant. The smile is hollow and without meaning to me, it feels like, but it’s not like my body is just doing it on habit either, because I usually don’t make so many expressions when I’m alone. In general, I don’t make many sounds when alone. I don’t gesture when I’m alone. I don’t tend to laugh or audibly cry or sob when I’m alone. It’s as if even if I’ve learned these somewhat as a part of language, I use them as infrequently when I’m alone as I will talk aloud to myself. It just doesn’t feel natural to me.

But I was going through some old boxes in the kitchen and I found a lot of things. So many things I had forgotten I even had.

An old collar for a dog I had, made of braided blue fabric with a leather heart full of some of his fur.

A handful of mother of pearl mica flakes and stones, shimmering, like windows to another place.

Old blue, glass beads, like the colour of a rare sky.

Glow in the dark stars, fallen from the walls where I used to live.

Plastic roses, red and yellow and pink, without any stems to support them.

Tiny metal bells, red and green like blood and mould, blue and green like the horizon where spruces meet the sky.

A white Christmas tree ornament I used to keep in my ex-boyfriend’s Christmas tree, that I wrote our names on.

Big markers that haven’t worked for over a decade but I kept anyway for some reason, despite me never using them while they still worked neither.

So many glass marbles in so many sizes and colours, spotted and striped, translucent, like deep sea organisms.

*

I took them out, one at a time, feeling my lips move while my heart did not.

I looked at them for a moment, holding them in my hands as I waited.

I put them back into their boxes.

I put myself back into bed.

/pao – 23.53 – 3 nov 2019

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