One of the most infuriating things about chronic illness and disability for me is the uneven functioning and the sometimes frequent inability to do any real planning, because things can go from bad to worse with no warning whatsoever and while I know what triggers or worsens some things, for others I have no idea and it seems to strike out of nowhere with no pattern I can discern.

This morning I woke up quite exhausted after sleeping very poorly due to pain. Not any kind of big, dramatic pain; not the unbearable, excruciating kind; no kind of pain worth taking any of my very limited amount of painmeds to ease; not the kind of pain that I can do much about at all but trying to ignore it. Just a sharp stabbing, pointy pain, cutting and tearing inside, making my hands spasm frequently, making it impossible to lay still. My knees constantly feeling like nothing but gravity was needed to make them bend backwards. Feeling like there were razorblades between my lumbar vertebrae whenever I moved. And my shoulders and hips deciding to just keep on popping and subluxing even while I was laying still and just trying to breathe.

So to put it mildly, today didn’t start off very well, and since I had been in pain all night the constantly increasing pain of the day started off higher than after a ‘good’ night. And then, a bit into the day, my right hip and lower spine and every single joint in my fingers decided to start hurting for real. The kind of pain that is difficult to explain to people who haven’t seen this happening to me in real life. It was suddenly, without warning, a Codeine Day. One of those days I really cannot manage at all without actually taking my painmeds.

In a way, it was good for two reasons:

The first reason is that when I am in less pain I can eat easier because less nausea and the physical act of eating (making the food, holding things like forks, chewing) is less exhausting, and if there is one thing I need right now it is eating. So I took the opportunity to eat about half a bag of crisps over the next couple of hours while watching Let’s Plays.

The second reason is that… you remember yesterday when I had a migraine? Well, that returned, with a fucking vengeance, just seemingly out of nowhere. Despite the codeine, it was bad. The kind of bad which – if I had not already taken my painmeds before this happened – would have most probably have led to pain induced shock and me going unconscious. That kind of bad.

I’m going to try to make instant potato mash with peas and carrot in it now before I sleep, to try to get something slightly more nutritious into me before I sleep.

Hopefully tomorrow I will have a day without migraine? That would be nice.

/pao – 23.54 – 2 nov 2019

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