2015
12.13

This is mainly taken from a meme on Twitter, where one gave out facts and confessions about oneself for every like one got.  Although, I didn’t bother with that, I just went ahead and wrote about fifty tweets of confessions and facts anyway before deciding I should probably just move it to my blog instead of filling up people’s twitter feeds.  So, here I am!

These have been edited and pieced back together here for your reading pleasure since they are no longer under the tyrannical rule of Twitter character limits.

Some of these are about self-harm and depression and other uncomfortable things, but they are not in any way glorifying or encouraging these things, rather the opposite.  Might still be triggery for some people, so… be warned.

So, all right, I’m going to do that thing where I give out facts and confessions about myself tomorrow.  But without the likes.  Or the galaxy photo.  I’ll just give facts and confessions for free.  Tomorrow.

So, still waking up and lacking better judgement: LET’S DO THIS THING FOR A BIT!

1: I still have frequent nightmares of dying in the vacuum and emptiness of space.  It’s my greatest fear of all.  (Link to a drawing about it HERE.)

2. I’m generally not one for feeling guilty or embarrassed about my pleasures, but one of the few guilty pleasures of mine is: I absolutely love the Jack Reacher books and they make me laugh and grin like the Cheshire cat.  They are so obviously macho male hero fantasies, and sometimes they are so ridiculous and silly and laughable, but I still love them very much.  On the other paw I don’t understand the thriller genre description of them; to me they always seem more like comedy.  And they are great comedy.

(Bonus fact, slight spoiler, but I won’t give any context so I guess it’s not really much of a spoiler but use your own discretion: In one of the books I really like, Reacher’s nose is broken and dislocated, and he takes the pao approach to medicine and hits it hard to set it back.  Then he ‘bandages’ it with duct tape.  And I just couldn’t stop grinning and bouncing, feeling less alone in being utterly mad in what I do when I get injured.  I made a tribute fanart drawing based on this book and you can find this drawing HERE.)

3 A. Some of the people I write about are very much based on real people I have known or that I currently know.  Even the ‘bad guys’.  They never appear outright or without major changes, but one might sometimes recognise traits and mannerisms.  Real quotes are also known to appear, but usually said by unrelated characters, because life is complicated.

3 B. One of the people I write about (and pretty much always have written about since I was very young) is based on a person who I think only I could see; a girl who grew up into a woman beside me.  I considered her a sister of sorts but she was a terrible person.  I just didn’t realise it back then, because when I was young I had no friends and most people in my life were terrible so I didn’t really know any better.

She only appeared when there were no other people around, so unlike the other creatures I saw back then I still have no idea if anyone else could have seen her or not.  She sure seemed to think they would.  Perhaps it was just another way she liked to mess with me.  I guess I will never know.

Addendum: I still see the other creatures, but she hasn’t appeared neither in this world nor in the dreamworld in a few years and I’m happy of this.  I still love her; she being a terrible person who caused me hurt and harm hasn’t change this.  I hope she is happy and safe wherever she wanders now, but I’m happier if she stays warm and happy somewhere far, far away from me.

3 C: Some of the people I love to write about the most as characters are the people I (would) like or love the least as actual people.  I love writing about different kinds of monsters – especially human monsters – and them running into things worse than they are.  One of the reasons for this is because I too would make a great monster if I ever let go of my ridiculous levels of self-restraint, so it serves both a way to vent/be a monster in a creative, safe and productive way, and as a reminder that there are worse things than I out there, and that I have to beware not to turn out like them.

4 A: Being an asexual person with barely no interest in sexual things most of the time, I have come to despise people who – when they find out – go: “But if you don’t want to fuck people, you’re clearly unable to feel love!  :((”
I don’t often despise people but I always want to punch those people very hard in the face.

4 B: Related: I also want to punch people in the face who go: “Well, pleasure might mean nothing to you, but I love pleasure! :(” and similar.  Pleasure is incredibly important to me, and I’m quite a hedonist.  I take shameless pleasure in things I like and enjoy when they will not hurt other people and I frequently do things just for fun and pleasure.  I just find my pleasure in other places. Not all people find the same things pleasurable or fun and this is a thing to be celebrated and respected.

5: Sometimes I tend to be far too open and honest about things.  I’m not good at keeping personal secrets, and I seem to never learn how to, even if it’s getting better.

6: At several points in my life I’ve tried to become a vegetarian and it has always ended in bloodshed, so I don’t even try any more.  I just get hungrier and hungrier, more and more violent, biting my friends harder and harder.  Long term friends can often magically tell whether or not I’m hungry – not just on phonecalls with me but also in text based chats, like on Skype.

7: I have no control over what my characters do.  I’ve learnt to just accept that and now I think this is what makes writing so fun.  I get to explore places and interactions there together with them and it’s wonderful.  It also sometimes leads to me metaphorically tossing characters from different stories and universes into the same room just to see what they will do.  IT’S HILARIOUS TO ME.

8 A: I love blood and guts and violence and terror! … and yet, I tend to find horror films revolting and almost always avoid them.  I don’t like the stressful music and the other ways they are so stressful in general, and I usually end up feeling nauseous due to the style in which they’re filmed.  I just can’t deal with them.  Also I usually end up frustrated/annoyed and going: “This is not how trauma works!” or “You’re an incompetent ass and I’d do a much better job!”

8 B: A pet peeve of mine are people who can’t understand the difference between jump scares/startling people and actual horror.  I’m easily startled, but I’m not very easily scared.  I can enjoy being scared in safe spaces, but being startled is just annoying.  If something suddenly falls at you from a ventilation shaft above you get startled whether it’s a homicidal alien wanting to murder you, or your grandmother who’s just wandered off and got lost, but these are not equally scary things, are they?

Addendum: I think Alien:Isolation was the best horror experience, because it was literally hours of cowering under a desk or in a metal locker like a terrified rabbit,  scared to move even when the all seemed clear and the room was empty, BECAUSE WHAT IF YOU MAKE A SOUND AND THE ALIEN HEARS IT?!  The alien might actually be at the other side of the damn station and utterly harmless and not able to hear anything and all should be well… BUT PERHAPS IT IS NOT AND IT’S JUST WAITING TO MURDER YOU IF YOU LEAVE THE LOCKER SO YOU SHOULD JUST STAY THERE BUT IF YOU STAY THERE IT WILL STILL FIND YOU SO YOU SHOULD PROBABLY RUN NOW.

9: I suspect I might be doing this fact/confession thing wrong, and I feel somewhat guilty about this.

10: Sometimes I fear that one of the reasons I’m so overprotective and a guardian is that I’m secretly hoping it will one day give me justification harm someone.  That I’m just secretly hoping someone will try to harm my friends so that I could defend them and tear someone to pieces in a way which might be defensible and won’t make people hate me.

11: I don’t have a favourite animal – I love all of them! – but there will always be a special, certain fondness in my heart for rats.  To me, rats will always be kind of the crown of creation and evolution.  They are just amazing little creatures.

12: In Hung Gar, I do have a favourite animal, and it’s the leopard/panther.  Without reservations.  I love it.  (Link to a short entry about it HERE.)

13: I’m constantly torn between feeling a longing to write about more diverse people and their cultures and feeling that the last thing the world needs is another white skinned person trying to write about other cultures, because really, it rarely goes well.  So I tend just to write about groups I’m a part of in one way or another and it makes me feel sad and closed in, but perhaps at least that way it won’t make others sad.

I know that the world needs more diversity in media and in the stories we tell, but it feels like I shouldn’t be the one trying to tell them.  While on the other paw – being a part of several other marginalised groups – I also feel that people outside my particular groups should stand up for us as well and help us out.  That we shouldn’t always have to be the ones who have to, because we already have so much else to deal with.

I don’t think there is an easy answer to be found here and that this is just one of those things I will have to live and deal with.

14: I’m face blind.  It can seriously take me years to learn to recognise someone’s face.  It’s at the point where I still need a moment to recognise myself in mirrors.  There are other ways I recognise people, such as hair style and movement and voice, but faces are really difficult for me.  So if you would ever want to really mess with me, change hair colour and clothes and show up at my door, remaining silent and still.  It would work.

Addendum: Also, even when I have learned to recognise a person, it’s very contextual, so if I meet them in another context?  NOPE.

(This does not apply for drawn characters where I’m great at recognising people over a wide variety of styles and this amuses me.)

15: I’m terrible at remembering names and attaching a certain name to a particular person.  Names tend to be so arbitrary I can’t hold on to them.  I tend to invent descriptive nicknames for people I like to get around my inability to remember names. generally descriptive names in conlangs.  I can easily remember names which makes sense to me, which means that on the internet I tend to have a slightly easier time as people tend to take nicknames which describe them from the start.

16: I start obsessing about things and people extremely easily.  Thankfully, most obsessions pass by rather quickly and fade.  Some are recurring ones, though, like drawing and writing.  In periods, one of them is almost literally the only thing on my mind up to the point were I will forget and/or just not care about anything else, including eating or sleeping.

((I wonder if anyone still cares about anything I’m writing here and I’m starting to suspect this should be a blog post instead of on Twitter.  Actually, let’s do that. I’m moving this to my blog now.  I’ll paste a link when I’m done.))

17 A: [TW: Cutting] I used to cut myself when I was younger.  It was not for the pain, nor to actually harm me; I used sharp, mostly sterile things and I never cut deeply.  I didn’t want to have to go to the hospital or involve others, so I cut and tended to myself.  It was a way to feel that I was in control, and I was most of the time.  I haven’t cut myself in a long time, many, many years now, and I’m very proud of this.  I’m still struggling not to every time I feel depressed or despairing or angry enough, and I think I probably will for the rest of my life, and I will keep on struggling because I never want to go back to those times.

17 B: [TW: Cutting] One of the things that helps me is that when I feel like the world is utter chaos and when I feel like I have no control over my life and feel the urge to cut myself, nowadays I shave.  I take a shower and I shave my arms and legs.  I know I could cut myself very easily, and I don’t.  I take my time and I do things well and every time I leave the shower with my arms and legs without a single scratch, I know that I am in control and that no matter how much I want to cut myself, I can choose not to.  And in the end, isn’t that kind of even more an awesome and terrifying thought?  That is where control lies; to have a real choice and being able to choose between them.  Now in retrospect I realise that back then I wasn’t really in control: I could choose to cut safely, but not choose to not cut at all.  Nowadays, for the first time, I actually do have a real choice.

18: Despite of all the terrible things that have happened to me throughout my life, I would not change a thing if I got an opportunity to actually go back and do so.  Because all those things taught me things – sometimes the wrong things, and sometimes too late, but – and all those experiences have let me help others and helped me become what I am… and actually, despite all my flaws and imperfections, I’m pretty happy about who I am now.

19 A: I’m stubborn.  Like, really stubborn.  No, I mean, really extremely stubborn.  I’m more or less a determinator.

19 B: That time I ended up in a wheelchair due to crippling pain?  I just casually decided to get myself up the hellish slope from the store to my house.  And it took me over forty minutes instead of three.  But I did it.  I got no help with rehabilitation or anything, but I forced myself my way back because I’m stubborn and I didn’t want to be stuck in a wheelchair.

19 C: [TW: Eating disorder] That time I realised I had suddenly stopped eating and hadn’t eaten for some weeks and I got no help from my doctor or dietician because my helpers just forgot to tel them for a work week and they went off on vacation?  And I ended up having to struggle through that too without professional help by just eating whatever I could in a desperate attempt not to die?  That was also a thing that happened and I got through on sheerminded stubbornness.

20: I’m not good at feeling proud or accomplished.  The fact that I managed to finish this year’s nanovel in record time filled me with a sense of pride and accomplishment for a whole four hours or so before I stopped feeling proud of it and promptly wandered off to write some more.

21: I have two books I really want to write and see be real books.  One of them I doubt will ever make it, the other one I started just accidentally writing and I love it now and I think it will make it.

22 A: I get inspiration for my stories (and poems) more or less by accident.  Shorter ones and poetry are usually triggered by a phrase or a particular mental image just appearing in my mind and catching my fancy, some are based on or triggered by dreams I have.  The current Train world and story building project was inspired by a dream I had in which I liked the world so much that I just wanted to explore it more.  I’ve had a few other dreams about that world since then and I haven’t changed my mind.

22 B:  Some phrases just appear in my mind like that but when I try to make poetry of them I realise that I can’t add anything more to them in any relevant way.  Two examples of these are: “Your words are like ivy; / they creep and they poison,” which just appeared in my mind as I was walking by a river in Durham with a dear friend of mine, and “I can be poor Marsyas and you can be my bane; / I played to let my heart take flight, and now I’ll never play again,” which appeared in my mind a winter’s evening as I hid in my closet in the dark.

22 C: Other things I draw inspiration from are things that happen to me, things that happen to my characters (such as when I roleplay with people or things happening in stories that I want to explore deeper), current or past obsessions, anger and pain and sadness, desperation, music I’m listening to, and things my friends say and our interactions with one another.

23 A: One of my favourite games I’ve recently played is called Viridi and one can play it completely free on Steam.  One takes care of a bunch of succulents and watch them grow.  One waters them occasionally.  There is a snail slowly crawling around the rim of the pot.  One can sing for it, and the plants.  It’s slow.  And the music is calm and soothing.  And it’s a really pleasant game and I recommend it.

23 B: Another one of my favourite games is Anarchy Online, and it has been one of my favourite games for about a decade and will probably always be on that list.  I wish I could blame the roleplayers there, but I’ve only been roleplaying in it for about a year, so I can’t.  I just love that game.

23 C: Confession: I love games, but generally I prefer watching other people play them more than I myself do.  There are exceptions to this: games I actually love playing are Don’t Starve, Puzzle Pirates, Anarchy Online, Viridi and Bejeweled.  Games I prefer watching others play are games I love the story of but which I know would just frustrate the hell out of me if I tried to play myself, like Mark of the Ninja, Invisible INC, The Witcher III, Nihilumbra, Bastion, Transistor and other games I would just die in so often it would completely ruin all storytelling and I would eventually just wander off and tell myself stories instead.

23 D: Go is an exception: I love playing go and I love watching other people play go.  Go is beautiful.

23 E: I want to say I love playing Oblivion and Skyrim here, but all I do in those games is running around killing everyone and stealing all their food and eating it and/or making potions out of it.  Usually joining the Dark Brotherhood, but sometimes not.  Oh, and getting into places I shouldn’t be via the console, generally breaking everything and spreading chaos and destruction.  I’m perfectly happy doing this, but I’m not sure I can with a clear conscience call this playing the games as I enjoy exploring them and seeing all the pretty ways in which I can break them.

24 A: The poem I have written which I love the most is ‘To Know the Rain‘.  I love it very, very much.

24 B: This year I’ve written three other poems I’ve really liked: ‘My Love is Like the Desert‘ which I wrote for Valentine’s Day in Anarchy Online and it makes references to real places there; the poem ‘Behind the Smile‘ which I wrote for a Friday Phrases Friday writing thing on Twitter, and ‘Once and For All‘ for the same kind of thing.

25: [TW: Blood] Of all the things I drew this year, this is my favourite.  It’s of me eating an arm, from four months back.

26: This was the year I finally decided to learn how to draw people.  Human people.  And I suck at it, but honestly I feel like I’m improving rather well and all shall be well and all manner of thing shall be well.  This the Bazaar has promised us, and I trust the Bazaar.

27: I can spot patterns quicker than anyone else I know.  I’m really good with patterns.

28 A: I have a superpower which lets me instantly see animals in photos.  A blurry photograph where a dog is hiding in the shadow under a chair, taken from far, far away?  I’ll spot the dog within seconds.

28 B: I have another super power which lets me instantly see other animals.  A tiny spider behind the curtain in more or less dark?  I’ll see it (and whisper “Lolth tlu laoles” to it) before anyone else does.  A snake is hiding in the grass?  I’ll see it.  A hare cowering under a bush?  I’ll see that one too.  Anything which looks vaguely animal like and/or just moves I’ll just instantly see.  I think it’s my inner ravenous predator making sure its presence is remembered.

29: I always feel cold when I’m going to sleep and have to hide under several blankets not to shiver… unless I’m sleeping outside in a shelter made of snow and leaves, in which case I’ll just magically not feel cold and just feel happy and warm and cozy for some reason.

30: No matter how much I might use and love technology – especially the internet which enables me to talk to faraway friends – I don’t even miss it when I’m out in the forest.  I barely think about it or remember it.  I literally forget it exists most of the time.  It’s always been like that.

31: It’s not that I go feral easily.  I don’t go feral; I was just never tame to begin with.

*

[EDIT: Added this one on 14 dec 2015]

32: I know more or less the entire text of You Are The Sky by heart, because of Reasons.

 

* * *

Might keep on adding things to this for the next few days if people ask me things on Twitter, or I think of something.  But for now, this is probably satisfactory.

/pao – 12 dec 2015 – 23.32

  1. Thank you <3