Today’s Zeromancer quote;
“It’s my life, yeah I know it’s not a perfect one, but it’s a life I can live with…”

I am doing the laundry to have clean clothes tomorrow when I will leave for a few days, for funeral and things.  I have to be up fairly early tomorrow, so this means early sleep (hahah!) tonight.  I have food I should eat before going.

Tonight, I will have an abban over for a few hours.  This might be very interesting.  However, he is not food, so things should be alright in the end, and he will probably leave alive.

I have ideas for things I want to write.  I hope I will have some time in between funeral and other things.  But I know that time will not be enough.

I need more time.  A lot more time.
And I have all time in the world, but it is the wrong kind of time.
This time is not usable for turning into stories.

/pao – 13 oct 2010 – 15.07


and now you drink my warm blood / from the rusty iron cup / so cold to your lips now..
all is still now / all is still silence and cold quiet now / and you can not tell if the metallic taste is blood or rust / on your tongue..
and when the world falls silent / we will all get our share / of blood songs…


(fake ice cream)

today I repotted plants and made food.
one of the things I made was some interesting fake ice cream.

Recipe is as follows;

Fake ice-cream:
Pour cream in a bowl, add vanilla sugar and some plain white sugar. Beat until firm and hardish. Put in fridge to get cold.

Chocolate sauce:
I used cocoa powder of the kind you put in milk to make hot chocolate. I took a few teaspoons of milk and added powder until it had the viscosity I wanted.

Take out the fake ice cream and put the chocolate sauce on it. Eat.

Keep in mind that the fake ice cream is both fat and very sweet, so even if you don’t like the bitterness of cocoa you should still make the sauce quite strong. Trust me on this. :3


I just thought I should share this with the world. It was delicious.

/pao – 13 oct 2010 – 02.30


(red lipstick)

I cannot remember if I have put this one up anywhere.   It is an interesting poem in that it was written in the spring, and not in the autumn as most my autumn poems.   So here it is;

The autumn winds are making the forest sing
And so I sit here, singing with my crying woodwind
The times of summer laughter and joy
Drown in the grey mist that now cover these lands
And envelop us in the taste of the coming cold

You can feel it, can you not, my friend?
Hear the silent words that whisper
in the voice of the howling wind;
Save what you can, winter is coming
Save what you can, winter is coming…

Red lipstick really suits me.   Red eyeshadow suits my sofa a little less.
Watching Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei.   Hilarious anime, with lots of fun details going on in the background. Makes me think a bit less about how messy my life is at the moment.

But I cleaned a bit today.   This was rather pleasant, in a way.   I want to clean a bit more.   But at the moment I can’t have light on.   Perhaps tomorrow.

I’m sad.   And hurting.   And I miss being angry.   Being angry suits me.

/pao – 10 oct 2010 – 01.30


(cold day)

There is real autumn outside now. It is cold outside now.
It is rather cold inside my lair as well.

I feel that I care less and less about what I end up with in the end.
Alone or not, it doesn’t matter, but I wish I could know.
But longing for one and hoping for the other is starting to wear me out.
And staying is starting to wear me out.

I’m not good at hoping.  I shouldn’t do hope, it never ends well.

I might post something else later.

/pao – 8 oct 2010 – 15.48


after much struggling, i managed to take the mirror which was hanging over my bathroom sink down..  now it is beside me in the sofa, keeping me cold company…

i miss the mirror i used to have, back in the paoroom in the yellow brick house by the forest..  the reddish wooden frame where i would put small notes to myself…

but this will have to do.

hi there, mirrorpao..  i have missed your company, and that smirk you get when looking back at me, with mirror cold eyes…

/pao – 8 oct 2010 – 16.39


i have bought hair gel..  the mane on the back of my head is now pointing in all directions..
sitting alone, listening to The Cure, talking silently to mirrorpao, who still doesn’t seem very pleased to see me again…

i should eat..  i have a lot of food at home at the moment.

i wish i could get lost in the wilderness, in the embrace of forest and making my shelter of birch branches, spruce branches for a roof, a bed made of autumn leaves…

but that life is not mine to live.

/pao – 8 oct 2010 – 19.53



I haven’t written here for some days. I went to visit an abbil in the north, Angel. When there, I was reached by the news that my father’s father had died.
When I returned home, my father called me to say that the funeral will be held on the fifteenth, but we will go there the fourteenth, probably.
And then I was far too tired to write here, and a bit at a loss for words.

Now I have watched Lost and Delirious again. One of my favorite movies.

I am slightly drunk on Caol Ila, and I have been reading in the book I bought in Sundsvall on the way to the trains. A beautiful book from 1883, about the life of Luther.

Book, red, the life of Luther

I am tired, sad, in pain and alone.
But at least I am listening to Tavener’s Funeral Ikos. Always something, although not very cheerful. Seems rather fitting at the moment.

I should sleep soon.
I have things I really should do tomorrow. Including more food.

I just thought I ought to write something, to keep up.
Even though I’m not very good company right now.

Nos da, all you people who read this. I might be back on IRC soon. Perhaps.

/pao – 8 oct 2010 – 02.45