18 march 2010
19.42 (swedish time)

In the aeroplane humans built in their attempts to reach the skies.

We took off in the beginning of dusk, and we flew up into the soft, grey clouds and into the waiting night.

The darkness waited for us, but a moment we hung in milky, foggy grey nothing.

Now over the north sea, soon passing over Denmark.
Soon leaving the waters of the sea that guards my dear kadan.

The sea and stones protecting my dear friend of firm, grey stone and stormy sea.

And on we go.

And on life goes.

And so, we flew into night.
And I smile at the dark, knowing that tomorrow there will be a new day.

And work to do.

Because, I am a Pao, and if I cannot be Pao, who can?
Who can then give the world what I can give it?

I don’t know if there is some meaning or purpose in my life that I don’t know about yet, but I know this;

I am a Pao, the only Pao,
a beautiful creature
— of words and poetry
— about forest and life
a voice powerful and clear
— which can whisper silent songs
— and encouragement
a creature with sharp claws
— and fangs made to tear
— to pieces and to gently
— groom the manes of my
— friends
with paws that can destroy
— and create, kill and help

A heart full of compassion and feelings
a mind full of sense and nonsense, dancing

Battle scars, fierce pride;
yet gentle and affectionate.


And that is enough.


Leaving Denmark now.
Over Kattegat.


The stones never change, even when time and weather reduce them to dust.
We sculpt them, use them, and they remain long after we are gone.

My heart and mind, body and soul, bear the mark of time, battle and hardship.
But they are still the same.
Marked by time and lessons violently learnt or gently shown to me.

And yet the same.

I must remember this, and don’t let humans and the city get to me, bring me down.

I can live amongst them and follow their rules as long as they make sense.
And my heart and my thoughts shall remain free and wild, even when I move amongst them, and I won’t let them make me forget.

It would be easier to let myself forget, but I will not.

I shall remain true to myself and look at my reflection with pride and awe.

For such a beautiful creature am I, and my fur is thick and I survived the winter; my claws are sharp and strong, and my eyes are clear.

And my heart has love and compassion,
and it is the heart of a wild animal who hunts without shame or hesitation, who won’t crawl for anyone…
A fiercely proud and loyal wild animal who would protect her pack and her loved ones and fledgelings with rage and narrowed eyes, bared teeth…
and curl up to guard, purr, gently comfort, encourage those depending on her to venture off alone, knowing that she will be there.


And so I left my dear friend of stone and sea, calm and secure, knowing that I can return.
He will be there, a temple of grey stone in my green wild forest.
Safe and waiting.
Where I can return when I need the silence, quiet.
The rest and shelter.
To be still and rest my paws, put my fur and feathers in good order.

He is a man of stone and sea and I am a creature of the wild, wild woods.

And we have our different songs to sing and stories to write.

But our silence can be shared.

A warm embrace
— and a loving, gentle paw.

And I return now to my male, female, other friends.
My pets, my lair.

The returning spring.

I have things to throw out
things to keep
things to mend

Plants to water
plats to sow
and life to see grow.

And a spring to greet.

We are approaching ground.

Time to pack up and get ready.

— Life has returned.

(marrah awashile)



And so, I went off on an adventure. I packed my bags, and then I flew away. And, it wasn’t bad. The flying was scary at first, and then… and then it was wonderful.
Kadanina met me at the airport and helped me get to his home. I was confused, happy and still in a state of shock. (In some ways, I suspect I still might be. And still… I feel safe here. I feel.. at home. In a way I have never felt at home, even at home. At least not in a very, very long time. I have felt it at Aiw’s place as well, now and then. But not like this. It feels nice, and safe, and natural.)
Sometimes, I go and sit at the top of the stairs, and look down to the door. And feel safe. Perhaps because it’s a safe place in itself; an almost-cliff where I would have the upper hand on any attacker. Where I would see danger approach. But also, it’s not that simple, even if V really appreciates it.

I feel like I have settled in. Which terrifies me slightly. I am here. And I feel safe here. I have been here for three nights and two days. Soon it will be my third day. But, it feels like I have been here longer. I might be very adaptable, but not like this. I’m usually really twitchy on other people territories. But not here.
I settled right in, in the corner provided. And then I got happy.

Perhaps it is because he’s not a predator, not a threat to me. At least not in such a way. I can feel safe here, because I don’t think he will fight me for food, kill me for my meat, drive me off.. I can feel safe here because we are different, not competing over food or space.
And also, I feel welcome. I feel like I’m wanted. Not just allowed to stay because driving me out would be a bother. But allowed to stay because I’m actually wanted here.

But still, still it is rather strange. Because even when Kadanina is gone, and I’m alone here, I feel safe. I usually don’t feel safe when alone. But I feel surprisingly safe here.
It creeps me out, in a way. Because I usually understand myself very, very well. And I can’t figure this out. I will wonder about it until I do though. Because I find it interesting. And it teaches me a lot about myself.

So far, all is going well. In general, there is no snow, which cheered me up a lot.
It is cold here though. I’m getting used to it.


Things are going well.
Still feeling pretty unreal and strange though.
But I am used to that. I don’t mind.

/pao – 6 mar 2010 – 03.38 am (English time, I believe)

(I should go to bed now.)