2009
12.09

and further down / in the lower, right corner / sat a magpie made of blood / the white was white / the black was red / and I did not yet know what all this meant…

*

the clouds, they crashed into the side of the mountain / they fell down to Earth and scattered amongst the trees / the red houses the silvery cars the stressing people / and for a moment we could all breathe the cold of heaven / and wear the tears of the sky on our cheeks…

*

you were the love I carried in my heart for so long / without anywhere I could direct it / without anyone in my life who was worth it / not anyone worth giving it to / tearing my heart into tiny pieces…

*

so we sit here in the cold winter silence / with only the music of snowfall / in our ears / as our words turns to mist..
it was hesitant spring not long ago / then warm and lazy summer / then suddenly autumn had come..
we saved what we could / we curled up around the fire / and we sang until our voices became gentle mist…
then we fell asleep / and we look at each other now / separated by fire that cannot thaw our frozen bones / and all we see are dreams from a summer passed..
like ghosts who cannot ever leave…

*

his hair was short when I saw him / and his eyes were icy cold and burning with life / and held my gaze steadily as he smiled / baring fangs / and I turned my back to him / led him towards my home /not sure if he would kill me / knowing he was dangerous to me..
the mallard I caught was warm and soft / under my paws / as I held it after the pounce / and there was fear in the voice of my companion / and he seemed relieved when I shortly thereafter / released the bird / and let it flee back to safety / far away from my claws…

*

there is no excuse for what I am doing to myself / and all my reasons are hidden and unreasonable / I have many friends around me / loving me / caring for me..
and I miss the time when I was alone in the world / no one to understand me / no arms to curl up in / no eyes to see who I was..
I miss the person I was / I miss the person I used to love / the glance I would meet in the mirror / I miss the girl who is since long dead now..
she lived alone / she died alone / I carry pieces of her heart in mine / but never again shall I meet / her gaze in the mirror..
she lived alone / and she died alone / a long time ago / and I miss her / but she never knew me / she died before I existed / but the pieces of her still in my heart / they make me remember / how it was to be truly free / and the sound of living forest night…

*

his embrace was warm and safe / and I wish I could stay there forever / feel safe and loved / but I had to go / I had to leave / I had to run off / I could not let myself stay / because the farewell will come / as surely as the night comes / the winter comes / the end of my life / and the end of the world..
“be careful of who you love” / but surely, we do not choose love / we do not choose to get lost / we do not choose the despair and pain / the guilt and the shame / the longing and the consuming desire; / we try to choose the warmth / the happiness / the safety..
we try to choose to stay / we hope that if we have to leave / we will still see each other again / and once again feel safe and warm..
but I could not stay / I had to leave / before I began to hope / that it would never end…

*

her eyes are alight with joy / when I kiss her / and she smiles / and I burn / and I want to curl up against her / dreaming of playing / dreaming of silence / dreaming of rest..
the red of blood / I don’t know if it is hers / or if it is mine / (is it mine?) / wrestling biting hitting squirming around each other / growling in anger in fear in pain / while our eyes shine with joy / and we curl up against each other / exhausted / and trembling with life / until we fall asleep…

*

the power went out / and suddenly there was only silence / only darkness / and I froze as a rabbit who saw a hawk / there was knocking in the walls / and I was not afraid / but listen cautiously / (are they from within these walls?) / but then I lighted a candle from beside my computer / and the fire was warm..
and I took the knife from beside my computer / slid it into my pocket / where it would be easy to draw / for defense / if the scavenger gangs would come..
in the livingroom I put tea-candles on plates / lighted them / and they reminded me of campfires / spreading a bit of warmth and light / and gently dancing shadows..
so I retreated into the shadows / and I played the recorder / as silently as I could / and then a bit louder / but when I stopped I was still surrounded / by the natural silence / unbroken by human and artificial sounds..
I put some tea-lights out in the stairway / three lights on a plate / on a step / so that if my neighbours looked out through their doors / they would see something else than darkness / and perhaps feel a bit safer..
I turned on the radio / and the rasping crackling whining sound / filled my world / until I managed to find some really strange music / reminding me of Devil Doll..
sitting curled up before the fire / watching the dancing shadows / feeling safe inside my shell / confident in my own capability / of dealing with the sudden lack of electricity / the pressure of my knife against my thigh / as I ate leftovers from yesterday..
then suddenly the lights came back on / filling me with a sting of pain; / the feeling of loss / and then the human background sounds returned / filling up my world / with uneasiness / once again..

*

/pao – 9 dec 09 / 00.54

No Comment.

Add Your Comment