2009
12.10

i was supposed to write, but i can’t bring myself to.. too much pain, too little energy.. i have lovely music to listen to, but everything seems wrong.. they are not the songs i have in my head…

physical pain, mental pain.. hunger (starvation?) and clawing despair.. i tried to sleep, but the nightmares came.. listened to music and cried as dreda made food…

how can it hurt so much? how can i be able to have so much pain in me?
i am not eating much.. i ate some cheeseburgers today.. but i am not drinking much either.. it is hard to keep my head up, to keep myself warm.. and when i get cold there is just even more pain, and i get awfully tired…

i began a project.. a big one.. i am still thinking about how to do it the best way possible, practically speaking.. because i am a masochist who tries to manipulate pictures in ms pain(t).. because i never learn…

i feel so cold.. and lonely.. i bet that even if i set myself on fire, i would still die cold.. and the salamanders would probably not want to hug me… (i am not sure if salamanders finds paos attractive..)

i have this very, very bad idea about taking a cold shower and go out to sleep on the balcony and freeze to death.. but it is not a good idea.. and O reminds me of that.. as soon as I bring it up…
no hypothermia for pao…

i do not want to go to england.. i am not sure it is anything but a desperate attempt to flee.. flee from what? the winter? the fear? the despair? i cannot flee from myself.. i will be as depressed and sad and desperate there as I am here.. probably even more so…
because, even if I have been there, many years ago, it is too far into the past.. england would be a new place.. with new people.. new houses.. new routines.. new food…
perhaps i would be too overloaded to be depressed.. perhaps.. but i am fairly sure i am very capable of sitting in a corner, being quite sad…
(i am always in corners, being sad.. sometimes new corners.. but always the same sadness…)

it doesn’t matter…

i miss kopparberg.. i want to go back there.. only, that i don’t.. i never want to set a paw there ever again… but i miss the forests.

i miss my boulder.. i miss my howling song.. i miss the clear, human-created lake…

*

under the rose bush / in the crystal clear autumn / i made him a bed of feathers.. / i put up the white ribbons / and laid his body to rest.. / i lovingly covered him with a blanket of leaves / then i left him, never to return again…

*

will it ever end? will it ever stop hurting? there is joy and happiness too; there is love and there is laughter, but the pain never goes away.. is it supposed to be like this?
it is breaking me. again and again and again…
every single time it claws my lungs to bloody ribbons and i cannot breathe because of the pain..
how long will it hurt?

*

also, i feel fat.. i look fat.. but i know i cannot possibly be.
i am constantly hungry, but no food can chase it away.. so, there is no point eating.. (O – “But there is. You are hungry just because you do not eat enough. You have to eat more. You should eat more.”)

i am supposed to be the human one of us, right? a human, a pantherlike feline, and the grey pantherlike thing with wings.. so why am i the one who wants to hunt and bury my teeth and claws in a soft, twitching body?
shouldn’t that be V’s job?

*

time to sleep and face the nightmares..

*

/pao – 10 dec 09 – 02.12

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