we always change, we constantly change, push forward, evolve..
we are constantly shaped, formed, molded.. we are forged, we have our corners cut off, carefully sandpapered down or beaten off with a hammer..

we can never change our past or that which has shaped us.. but sometimes, just sometimes

sometimes i think i might have gone with the wrong changes, misinterpreted the lessons life has taught me.. took the wrong way in the crossroads…
enhanced the wrong things…

i have to backtrack…
i have to find what i used to live for, because once i used to have things i felt that i could truly live for and be proud of… no matter how much i love my friends, no much how much i will always love them, i will ultimately die if there is nothing inside myself to be worth living for.. i will only be a soulless, empty shell, doing the happy kitty dance to make them smile.. but everything that was ever me would be dead.

i wish i could have it all.
the words the friends the darkness the incense the endless nights with a pot of tea in front of my cold computer screen
be a good friend while being a cat who walks alone
i wish the door was never locked, that i could come and go as i pleased
to hunt in the night and dance in the snowstorm
to return to their laps and return to their fires
purr and smile and comfort them and be patted
and still be free to leave when i heard the night call my name…

but it is not like that.. i lay in their laps and the hands hold me far too hard and it hurts
“go on,” they say “we don’t mean to hold you back.. go on, go out, we know that you love us, we know that you will be back…”
but their hands hold me, and their eyes are filled with pain and worry and sadness…
they are lying; to me and to themselves.. even though they know that i would return unless i got hit by a car, it is not enough for them.. perhaps they cannot believe me, perhaps it is i who have failed…
but it doesn’t really matter if they do it because they want me all for themselves or because they are concerned that i might get hurt…
they still hold me.

so i stay, and i do the happy kitty dance to make them smile..
because i want to be a good friend, and i want to show them that i love them, and to be a good friend you can’t be a cat who walks by itself and comes by to get cuddles and give them your love and affection.

love puts a lead on you, and you can never stray away in the night ever again… and if you try, you will find the collar strangling you.

even if they opened the door wide and the snow danced in, danced all around my paws.. even if they threw me out and close the door behind me, i wouldn’t be able to run away.
the lead is too short.

and they don’t even do it on purpose, so there is nothing they can do to make it better.

/pao 16 oct 99+10 17.16
(edited 18.33 / grammar fix)

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